Posts Tagged ‘Unique Child’

Parenting a teenager is one of the most difficult challenges a parent will face. A Yiddish proverb states, Small children disturb your sleep, big children your life. All parents face this time in their children’s life and wonder what has happened to the child they used to know. Volumes of books have been written about the subject. In looking back over my own experience of raising teenagers I feel lucky that I survived. I’m very proud of my young adults and who they are becoming.  My daughter and I clashed a lot. I was her target of blame for almost anything at times. I had to learn to pick my battles carefully and then be firm and follow through with the consequences. I was not her friend I was her mother. Below are some tips to follow as you navigate parenting a teen.

• Set Limits and Follow Through on the Consequences – Your teenager still needs your guidance and even though they will never admit it at the time, they need you to say no. By setting and enforcing rules, parents give teens predictabiltiy and structure, as well as a way to combat peer pressure. Without your caring oversight, teens are left feeling isolated and alone. One of the most common reaction from teens in regards to this, I need limits. I’m going to yell at you and react to them, but when you don’t give me any, it makes me feel like I’m in charge. I may say that’s what I want, but it really scares me.
• Always Listen – You may know what it’s like to be a teenager, but your child know what it’s like to be a teenager today. Teens today are dealing with a whole new set of stressors. Your teen may not want to talk about things when you want to talk but letting your teen know that you are available when they want to talk is important. Many  times we would have conversations in our household with our teens at the oddest times. No they weren’t always convient but looking back they were very powerful. Try to find a common interest with them in regards to a movie, sport, or other activity and talk about it without being critical. I love having conversations with my daughter about the Twilight saga. It’s interesting to find out which character they identify with and why. The teens response to this is, Sometimes I actually do want to talk to you. I just don’t know how. Find creative ways to make me talk to you. It’ll take the pressure off. 
• Keep your Anger focused on Their Actions Not on Them as a Person- Teenagers can become very angry people. They continue to fight for their independence and less control by their parents. Teens can and do get overloaded with stress. They have poor coping skills, and getting angry is the only way they know how to avoid feeling sad, hurt, or afraid. Some of the most common teen responses to this include: I don’t always know why I’m angry, irritable, sad, or worried. Sometimes I may need you to help me figure it out. But sometimes, I may want to figure it out alone. And I’m not as in control as I am trying to look. Sometimes my hormones make me feel crazy. I haven’t learned how to regulate myself yet. One phrase I used quite often with my teens was that I really loved them, I just didn’t like their behavior at the moment. 
• Give Your Teen Honest Compliments- Yes, I totally understand how hard this can be at times. But as parents it is easy to see all the things that they are doing wrong and not give notice to the things they are doing right. This is extremely important at this age. Teens do care what their parents think! You may give compliments as to how they handled a difficult situation, or in regards to their grades in school, or particular friends they are choosing to hang around with. I remember giving my daughter compliments on how she did her hair and makeup and trying something new (going out for a sports team). Because I was a professional counselor, she often asked advice on how to handle some of her friend’s problems, and I would be amazed as to how she thought she should handle them. Teenagers especially love to hear their parents give positive feedback about them to others. People would often ask me about raising a teenage daughter and I would say, ” I love the person she is becoming”.  Teens want their parents to be proud of them and accept them for who they are. This means resisting the urge to compare your child to others. Teens already spend their days assessing how they measure up and feeling badly about themselves – they are relying on you to be their biggest supporter. 
• Try to Find a Compromise that Both Parties Can Accept - Teens consistently push their boundaries. When incorporating open communication as best you can, let your teen know that you are willing to trust them more but along with that trust comes more responsibility on their part. Compromises are and will always be a part of any type of relationship. Talk openly so both parties can accept what was agreed upon. 

If you continue to have conflicts with your teen, it is especially helpful to seek counseling with a professional. Not only does this give  your teen a chance to express themselves but also to talk to someone other than a parent or friend. Most professional counselors will also work with the parent on communication and parenting skills along with support for all parties involved.

“I am every emotion times ten, I conform yet I’m rebellious, always obeying but somehow still an outlaw, always talking but never heard, I am a teenager”. Author Unknown

Until Next Time,

Lory

If you like this article, please let me know and share it with family and friends. Thanks and have a great holiday weekend.

Parenting is the toughest job you will ever do in your life. Parenting a child with ADHD can be even more challenging. Last week in my post, I gave the following tips:

1. The Importance of a Positive Attitude

2. Provide Structure and Be Consistent

3. Set Clear Expectations and Rules

Those 3 tips alone can help to make positive changes in both your life as a parent and the life of your child. More tips to help make life easier include:

4. Promoting Physical Activity and Better Sleep: Children with ADHD usually have energy to burn. Organized sports and other physical activities can help them get their energy out in healthy ways and focus their attention on specific movements and skills. The benefits of physical activity are huge: it improves concentration, decreases depression and anxiety, and promotes brain growth. Physical activity also leads to better sleep, which can reduce the symptoms of ADHD. Finding a team or individual sport with constant motion such as soccer, basketball, football, hockey, or volleyball are better options than sports that have “down time”, such as softball and baseball. I remember when my son started playing baseball. He was an outfielder and there was an active train track behind the baseball field. While in the outfield, he would pick grass and if a train came through forget it…..all his attention was on the train. He didn’t care what was happening with the game. Many children with ADHD also benefit from martial arts training, tae kwon do, or even yoga which enhances mental control along with physical endurance. Insufficient sleep affects all children but can have exaggerated consequences for those children with ADHD. Overstimulation and medication side effects can have an adverse reaction in sleep patterns. Some strategies to use to help your child get the sleep they need include: Have a consistent, early bedtime, decrease television time (increase activities levels and exercise during the day), eliminate all caffeine from your child’s diet, lower the activity level for an hour or so before bedtime, spend 10 to 15 minutes cuddling with your child, use relaxation tapes as a background noise in their bedroom. You can also run an electric fan or purchase a sound machine which has different settings of “white noise”.

5. Establish Healthy Eating Habits: Studies have found that food can and does affect a child’s mental state, which in turn affects behavior. Monitoring and modifying what,, when, and how much your child eats can help decrease the symptoms of ADHD. All children benefit from fresh foods, regular meal times, and staying away from junk food. Schedule healthy meals or snacks for your child no more than 3 hours apart. Meal times are necessary breaks and add a scheduled rhythm to the day for your child. For the benefit of your child and you get rid of the junk foods in your home, offer healthy alternatives, and supplement your child’s diet with a multivitamin each day.

6. Teaching your Child Positive Social Skills: Children with ADHD often have difficulty with simple social interactions. They may struggle with talking too much, interrupting frequently, or come off as aggressive or intense. Due to their emotional immaturity they may become targets for unfriendly teasing. Many children with ADHD are exceptionally intelligent and creative but it is hard for them to learn social skills and social rules. Incorporating some of the following may help: Speak gently but honestly with your child abut his behavior and how to make changes, role play social scenes or scenarios with your child- trade roles often and try to make it fun, select playmates carefully for your child, select those with similar language and physical skills, invite only one friend at a time in the beginning, watch closely while they play, and set a zero tolerance policy for hitting, pushing and yelling in your house or yard- remember to follow through with consequences.

I understand it is very difficult at times to remember and follow through with all these suggestions. Some days will be better than others- we all deal with that. Through time,effort and growth on the part of your child things will improve and become more stable. 

I hope you find these tips useful, I encourage you to give me comments and feedback. It is especially helpful for most parents and children to receive counseling to help deal with ADHD. Counseling can help the child recognize his feelings, improve his social skills, and communication in the household. 

Until next time,

Lory Naugle, MS, NCC, DCC

Lory Naugle, MS, NCC, DCC provides counseling online and in her private practice in Shippensburg, PA. She specializes in anxiety, depression and ADHD disorders in Children and Adults. Please see her contact information on her web site: www.nauglecounseling.com

Becoming a parent is an exciting adventure. As the child continues to grow every parent realizes that this is a hard job. Parenting a child with ADHD can be frustrating and overwhelming. A child with ADHD usually has greater demand, needs more involvement, and requires greater patience and understanding by the parent. As the parent of an ADHD child there is actually a lot you can do. You have the power to help your child meet his or her daily challenges and channel his or her energy in positive ways. Children with ADHD can and do succeed. The earlier and more consistently address your child’s problems the more likely their success. As I stated in one of my previous post, ADHD is a performance deficit – not doing what you know. Kids with ADHD want to do everything that is asked of them, they just don’t know how to make these things happen. Having ADHD is just as frustrating as dealing with someone who has it. Continuing to keep that in mind when parenting your child with ADHD will help to keep things in perspective. Below are some tips and guidelines in parenting your ADHD child.

1.  The Importance of a Positive Attitude: Having and keeping a positive attitude helps you to remain calm and focused. When you are calm and focused you are able to connect with your child in positive ways, giving more positive attention to your child and helping him or her be be calm and focused as well.  Giving your child special one-on-one time each day helps to reinforce your child’s unique abilities and strengths. Keeping things in perspective and remembering that your child’s behavior most of the time is not intentional but related to their disorder. Keep your sense of humor. What may be embarrassing today will be a funny family story in time. Always remind yourself to choose your battles and don’t sweat the small stuff. Your child may have had a great day at school and completes two chores at home along with their homework, if the child fails to pick up their room on top of everything else they did complete that day, don’t allow the one unfinished task to undo all the positives for the day. Keep your expectations in perspective or you will be in constant battle and conflict. Remember to say to yourself will this particular thing matter 5 years from now. The answer usually is NO.
2. Provide Structure and Be Consistent: A child with ADHD are more likely to succeed in completing tasks when they know the expectations and the tasks occur in predictable patterns and places. Your job IS to create and sustain structure and expectations in your home. Every child (including those not dealing with ADHD) needs to know what to expect and what they are expected to do. Some suggestions for creating structure in a household include: following a regular routine-establish simple and predictable rituals for meals, homework, play, and bedtime. Make use of clocks and timers. Egg timers work great for homework or getting ready in the morning. Don’t over schedule your child in after school activities. Just as adults become overwhelmed with too many scheduled activities, so do children. Allow “down time” for your child  to just be a kid and engage their creativity. Do your best to be neat and organized- role model neatness and organization as much as possible so that your child knows that everything has its place. Since studies have determined that ADHD is inherited, all the suggestions listed can greatly help all in the household.
3. Set Clear Expectations and Rules: All children and especially those with ADHD need consistent rules that they can understand and follow. Make the rules of behavior for the family simple and clear. Write them down and place them where all children in the household can easily read them (Refrigerator). Children with ADHD usually respond well to an organized system of rewards and consequences. Make a chart with stickers or stars awarded for good behavior and completing chores. The charts help your child have a visual reminder of his or her successes. Set certain milestones for specific rewards. When first starting choose a set number of stars or stickers to receive a small reward, as time goes on set the number higher to receive larger rewards.  Consequences should be spelled out in advance and occur immediately after your child has misbehaved. Try time-outs and the removal of privileges as the consequences for misbehavior. Remove your child from situations and environments that trigger inappropriate behavior. When your child misbehaves, ask what he or she could have done instead. Then have the child demonstrate it. ALWAYS follow through with a consequence. 

As you can see from the title of this blog, this is part 1 of parenting your ADHD child. There are several other tips that I will include in Part II. Until next time, keep smiling and love your very special and unique child with all your heart and don’t forget to laugh. 

Lory Naugle, MS, NCC, DCC