Relationships are a central factor in all of our lives. They give life meaning and purpose. To be loved by another person is an essential need and want. Webster’s New World College Dictionary defines relationship in the following ways:

1. The quality or state of being related; connection

2. Connection by blood, marriage, etc; kinship

3. A particular instance of being related

4. A continued attachment or association between person, firms, etc.; specifically one between lovers.

For the purpose of this post, I am going to focus on the last definition. A continued attachment or association between person, firms, etc. Yes, relationships are an essential part of our lives. During your teen years and early 20′s you will have relationships with a lot of people. They will include friendships as well as dating relationships. A healthy relationship features mutual respect, trust, honesty, equality, good communication, and they make us feel good about ourselves. In a healthy relationship each partner helps the other to become “the best they can be”. They don’t try to change, fix or control the other. There is mutual respect on all fronts and a balance of oneness (closeness) and separation from each other. Above all else personal growth, change and exploration is encouraged. A healthy relationship involves give and take at all times. Many teens and young adults may find themselves in healthy relationships and continue to make plans for their future together. That is awesome. I have been married for 26 years to my husband. It has been quite a journey.

So what are some of the factors to distinguish between a healthy and unhealthy relationship? A real easy measurement is that in an unhealthy relationship you feel the exact opposite of how you feel in a healthy relationship. There is not mutual trust, respect, or open communication. There is not “room to grow” or the person wants to try to change you into something you are not. If you are experiencing any type of abuse or violence such as verbal, physical, emotional or sexual that is an unhealthy relationship! This can involve both people being violent or abusive towards each other or can involve only one person doing this to the other. Many times a relationship is not abusive in the beginning but over time abusive behavior might show. Usually the abuser will have an excuse and swear that it will never happen again. The abuse usually continues to happen despite promises and can intensify in both the abuse itself and it’s frequency. 

Common warning signs of an Abusive or Unhealthy Relationship (RED FLAGS) include:

* becomes jealous or possessive of you- gets angry when you talk or hang out with other friends or people of the opposite sex

* bosses you around, makes all the decisions, tells you what to do.

* tells you what to wear, who to talk to , where you can go

*is violent to other people, gets in fights a lot, loses his/her temper a lot.

*pressures you to have sex or to do something sexual that you don’t want to do.

*blames you for his or her problems, tells you that it is your fault that he or she hurt you.

*insults you or tries to embarrass you in front of other people

*has physically hurt you

*make you feel scared of their reactions to things.

*calls or texts all the time and wants to always know where you are going and who you are with.

If you have experienced any of these signs in your dating relationship please heed this advice. YOU NEED TO END THE RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS PERSON! Talk to a trusted adult such as: a parent, teacher, doctor, nurse, close friends,pastor, or professional counselor about the reality of the relationship. Have a strong support system in place. If the first person you talk to does not take your situation seriously, keep trying until you find someone who will listen to you. 

Unhealthy relationship are toxic. They will continue to get worse over time. Even though the person promises to change, statistics show that most don’t. Please read again the characteristics of a healthy relationship. You deserve the best. 

Until Next Time,

Lory

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